My Whole Foods Experience

Sigh. I had to go to Whole Foods to get citric acid because it was an ingredient in something I was making and is very hard to find. It was awful. If I wasn't convinced not to go organic before, this sealed the deal. The more preservatives I have in me, the longer I'll live I figure. Plus why would I want to pay $20 for a tomato? A high maintenance tomato, for that matter?

So I put on my game face and enter the store with Emerson in tow. I pick out a shopping cart that doesn't appear to have been made out of recycled materials, but probably is. I immediately feel out of place as I come across a man with bleached blonde dreadlocks signing to his deaf son. Their clothes are of earth tones...and mine are not. My clothes are not handwoven and made of hemp or flour sacks. Theirs most likely are. But I press on. I see that the store is clean and very nice looking and actually smells good...surprisingly like meats marinading. I slink past the salespeople as they try to ignore me and my brightly colored happy clothes and immediately become overwhelmed at all the (expensive) healthiness. I feel so saturated with soy products that I almost feel myself turning into a block of tofu. The fiber is seeping through my skin and is making me feel *ahem* cleansed already. I am at a loss as to where I may locate the ingredient I'm seeking. Every employee I see is pierced, tattooed, dressed in earth tones, and looks as if they are homosexual...and they probably smell like B.O. although I did not get close enough to tell for sure. I wander past the natural baby toys that are brown and tan. (Sorry, but I don't want my baby to go blind because they have no visual stimulation, so I'll just keep buying my toys in color, thank you. That is why our ward had us make colorful wall hangings. They said it was so the poor African children have something to look at and won't go blind.) I roll my eyes (sneakily) and then furtively glance around to make sure I wasn't caught. I pass the natural body care with dry shampoo and health supplements the consistency of molasses that you're supposed to drink. I finally get up the courage to go to the customer service desk and politely ask, without too much enthusiasm, where I might find the ingredient I'm seeking. The nice lady calls over a girl with, you guessed it, dreadlocks, a nose ring, and no make-up. Boy do I feel guilty for showering and putting on makeup this morning. She takes me over to the bulk food area and tells me they keep the citric acid under the counter because it isn't organic. Geez, what a coincidence that I ask for the one thing in their whole store that isn't organic. Bet they didn't see that one coming from the girl with the non-earth tone clothes, gel in her hair, make up on, with baby also in colorful clothes. And...after all of that, they were out. Completely out of citric acid. A gallon-size container, and they're out. Really? Seriously? Can I see the container? Grrr...The trip isn't a total loss because I remember another item I need for a bread recipe I got from a girl in the ward. I go to the check out line and stand behind a woman buying primarily produce and watch her bill come to $161.00. Wow. I'm about to put my item on the conveyor belt, but then I see the dividers between orders are made of recycled bits of plastic and kind of look like plastic vomit so I rebel and hold my item and hand it directly to the cashier just to spite the plastic divider. Ha! I showed it! The cashier rings me up and to my relief, they take credit cards. I wasn't sure if I'd have to pay in wooden coins, rocks, or locks of hair, but they take plastic just like any other grocery store. After that I went to Babies 'R' Us and was relieved to be in a happy colorful place.